Why Can He And I Can’t? Learn To Be Fair
Being fair is not as easy as it should be, we commit more injustices than we imagine, especially with our own family. Without realizing it, mothers can favor the development of one child more than the other, which causes certain reproaches that can develop rivalries between siblings.
One of the most difficult aspects for parents to avoid is that of empathy. Which is very natural, because although we are parents, we are people and this is something characteristic of the human being. Feeling empathy with some people more than with others is normal, that is why it is possible that it also occurs within the family nucleus.
In this sense, when there begins to be greater empathy with someone in particular, we can incur unhealthy injustices for families, especially if they are children. The tendency to favor one of our children is not fair to the other.
Why can he and I can’t?
Consenting an action to one child and denying the same action to the other is not always an injustice. There are many reasons why we allow certain things:
- Age.
- The level of development.
- The training or the experience.
- The capacity.
For example, if we accept that only one of our children goes to the pool, it is because he knows how to swim and is mature enough to function in the water.
It would only be an injustice, if both children were in the same situation and one was favored without any cause, then we stop being fair in the eyes of our little one.
The importance of explaining our decisions
To avoid starting to awaken mixed feelings in our children, we must go to the truth and explain our actions without using authoritarian expressions such as: “he can because I say so”.
Why can he and I can’t? Well, because he knows how to swim and you don’t; or because you have been in poor health and should not go into the water. But remember that the key is always in the truth. We should never give explanations that only try to justify our unfair attitude with things that at first glance are a lie.
However, not realizing that we are unfair to one of our children, whether it is always the same or not, is a guarantee of discontent in families. As mothers we must try to have a coherent explanation for the complaints that we receive due to lack of justice.
The mother needs to learn to be fair
We are always affected by being treated unfairly, it is a cause of pain and can be traumatic depending on the severity of the injustice.
Thus, when it is the mother who does it, it is even more painful. For children see their mother as a heroine, someone who protects them and whom they can trust.
It depends on the age of the child, this could better understand the reasons that their mother gives them to dispense justice. That is why we need to know how to deal with this situation at any stage of development.
On the other hand, it must be clear that severity is not synonymous with justice, since there must be a balance where humanity prevails. For our fairness to be effective, we must not be so harsh about enforcing rules. Furthermore, our reasons must be explained and understood as best as possible.
The need to be fair is motivated by the welfare of our children. It is so damaging to be unfair that we can affect all of our children with the same act. If we are favoring a behavior without applying justice, we also harm the person we are benefiting, because it was not their merit and because we are putting them in the eye of the hurricane.
How to be fair?
Ultimately, to learn to be fair, the following aspects must be considered:
- Being fair is the right thing to do even when it hurts our children. Applying justice with less severity always helps alleviate penalties.
- The truth must go above all things, for there to be justice, our motivation must be true. It is not recommended to deceive children to justify that we have refused you a favor.
- The role of the mother must be equitable, because with all children it must be the same. Even when empathy leads us to favor one child over the other, we must review ourselves to promote balance and avoid unwanted rivalries.
- Reflecting on our daily behavior and trying to be compassionate with our children will necessarily lead us to carry out more just actions. Denying concessions to our children just for fun, or “because I’m your mother, period,” is never going to be good for the family relationship.
